Set a FRET Date

We've all been there.

In a meeting where we need to focus. Getting ready for the day. Meeting with the attorney. That moment when we FINALLY get a few minutes to just relax.

That worry starts to talk.

The thing that is looming, pending, in process. That we have zero control over right now.

And now we're worried or annoyed or frustrated.

Why does this happen?

Honestly, because the human brain doesn't like unfinished business. It’s really that simple. When the brain finds an unclosed loop, it nags on it.

So when something is unresolved — a decision unmade, a worry unaddressed, a conversation pending — the brain keeps circling back to it, doing a status check.

Sometimes we see this as a bad thing. Worrying too much. Being overly sensitive.

I like to say that “bad habits are simply brilliance looking for a better job.”

And this is one such example. This worry that shows up at the least useful time.

But let’s bring the bigger brains into this.

Psychologists call this the Zeigarnik Effect — the tendency to remember incomplete tasks more vividly than completed ones. When we start to ruminate on something uncertain, our brain is essentially waving the Fret Flag saying,

"Hey, we haven't dealt with this yet."

But, as noted, the problem is that our brain doesn't pick great times to wave the Fret Flag.

It picks right before the meeting. When we are in the shower. That moment when we finally sat down at the end of a long day with a lovely glass of wine.

So what do we do?

Close the loop. Let our brain now that we've got this.

Schedule a Fret Date.

A Fret Date is exactly what it sounds like — a scheduled appointment with your worry. You write it down, you put it on the calendar, and every time a worry, fear or concern shows up, you add it to the agenda for your fret date. And when the worry rises up, you simply tell it:

"No worries. We have a time set to deal with it."

And let it go. Until the date.

When FRET Date arrives, here’s the agenda:

• F — Focused.
  Get focused. Dedicate this time entirely to focusing on your worries, concerns, and fears. Everything you've been carrying. Look at your agenda or jot down a quick list and begin.

• R — Real.
  Get real. These concerns are valid. These feelings are yours. No one gets to tell you otherwise. This is a no-minimizing zone. Every worry, fear, dread gets to feel seen.

• E — Emotional.
  Get emotional. Get all the feels out. Lean into it completely. Write it out, scream into a pillow, get in the car and listen to rage metal at full volume. Whatever you need. This is the time for it.

• T — Timed.
  Stick to the time. When the time is up — it's up. Dry your eyes. Wash your face. And decide: do you need another FRET Date? If so, schedule one. 48 hours from now. Not before.

This week: What's been showing up uninvited? Write it down. Schedule your FRET Date. Give it the time it deserves — and then leave it alone until then.